The Truth

Our stories will be different, but together we can hold true space for each other’s stories to be heard, and then we can all begin to truly be healed.

“The deepest work is usually the darkest. A brave woman, a wisening woman. Will develop the poorest psychic land, for if she builds on only the best land of her psyche, she will have for a view the least of what she is. So do not be afraid to investigate the worst.” – Clarissa Pinkola Estes

 

Telling the truth is not easy, but it is always the correct choice. Our stories will be different, but together we can hold true space for each other’s stories to be heard, and then we can all begin to truly be healed.

I have been slowly coming out of the shadows for over a year now, and it’s taken me some time but I’m ready to share my WHOLE truth, because this is how I set myself free, and maybe it might help just one other person free themselves too.

I wrote a post last week about mental health, and my experience with anxiety. I spoke about how I had finally come off anti-depressants last year. I had quite a few messages asking me how I came off them.

The truth IS

I no longer need them. I do not experience anxiety anymore. How? I had to go in and find the root cause, I had to face what was causing the anxiety within me, and what I found is what I am going to finally share, because it is time to share to whole truth, so that I can finally step into being myself.

If you have followed my journey, you may know that I suffered with post birth traumatic stress disorder, you may know that I have dealt with postpartum depression, with lifelong anxiety and I have mentioned that I experienced early childhood trauma. What I have not shared with you is that in March 2020 I was diagnosed with a combination of bulimia, orthorexia, disordered eating patterns and body dysmorphia. I was starving myself out of punishment for not being good enough, purging to wake myself from the numbness I was constantly experiencing and bingeing subjectively because I was starving (a bowl of cereal was a binge for me) and I obsessed constantly with my image and how imperfect I felt. All I truly knew was that I was in turmoil and I wanted to get out of my body, out of my head and as I sat on the therapists couch I said if it wasn’t for my children I wouldn’t choose to live, and even then I said I felt that my children would be better off without me and I did not want them to ever feel how I did as a child.

I had had a disordered relationship with food and my body, myself, for as long as I can remember, my first memory was from when I was 5 – I used to hide the little jars of my sisters baby food in my room. From there the eating disorder twisted and turned, morphed and changed. I did not always purge, and in fact it was not until my experience with hyperemesis with Rose that bulimia came into the picture postpartum. Prior to that I was always terrified that I would eat too much, or that I would not know when to stop and I had strict rules around eating clean, I was always on a “diet” and I thought about food and my body constantly.  I had experienced periods of time in my adolescence  where there was no food, or I was aware that there was no money food.  I equated worthiness with being fed, I saw how my friends always had food, and I forged an early belief that it was because they were loveable, and that I was not. I needed to be good, if I was good THEN I was allowed to eat.

As I sat on the couch with my therapist and we spoke about food, my habits, my body and my history it came to light that the eating disorder and my control over food was how I had coped with the traumatic life events I experienced from 3 and how I was continuing to cope as an adult. As I spoke my words tumbled out, this is what I had been shoving down for so long, this was what I was trying to bring up every time I threw up, this was what was desperately trying to escape from my body.

 

I had been trying to paint a beautiful picture over the truth, that I had experienced physical and emotional abuse throughout my childhood and adolescence, my relationship with my mum was sadly very dysfunctional,  there was a deep wound within me which I was carrying with me and it was affecting every aspect of my life.  I had spent my entire life hiding my true self, punishing myself for not being good enough, doing everything to be perfect whilst at the same time not wanting to be seen. I was still in trauma, I was so used to it that I didn’t see I was constantly being triggered and simultaneously seeking it, which was causing my anxiety and eating disorder to continue to manifest into adulthood, the cycle was on repeat.

I sit here now, just over year since I told my dad and Chris (my partner) about the eating disorder, my true feelings about myself, my body and the experiences I had as a child/teenager. I was particularly good at hiding all of this, especially from myself and as someone working in the health and fitness industry, I could get away eating weirdly and exercising frequently. I never truly looked at my body, I would cringe when I posted anything on social media and felt incredibly uncomfortable when I received compliments.  My only respite from expecting anything from my body was when I was pregnant, I loved being pregnant – despite all of symptoms I experienced. I have always been aware that I looked a certain way on the outside, but I was praised and bullied for my whole life in equal measure for it, so it was never good enough, never perfect enough and I hated myself for not being enough. I was hidden under so many layers of negative self-beliefs and defence mechanisms I am still finding out who I am today.

The story of my recovery, my awakening, healing the mother wound, forgiveness and my journey to self-love is a winding one and it is my intention to share the journey of how I recovered, how I unravelled and found myself. I am aware that as I share this now this hails the beginning of a new chapter for me, showing up as myself, sharing my life lessons, all I want to do is hold meaningful space for others to shed the layers of their not self, because you can do all the pelvic health, hormone healing, healthy eating, strength training and meditating you like , but if you don’t go in and see who you are, investigate who you are and what you are not, confront your limiting beliefs and defence mechanisms….it won’t truly impact anything. I am here as a pointer, to say to you “this way to owning who we are and walking in our truth. Will you walk with me? “

 

PLEASE NOTE

If this has resonated with you and/or  you are currently experiencing/working through any of the things I mentioned please feel free to message me – I can point you in the direction of support and hold a safe place for you to begin sharing your story, and maybe even your recovery journey.

You are braver than you know.

 

Love, Samala x